Wipe off my tears, put my crown back on and walk tall and proud like the princess I am 💕I may not be what you want but that’s not my problem. I love who I am and sometimes I will break down and totally hate myself but that’s why I need you here, sometimes I get too far down that I need help to climb back up. I’m a princess and I deserve the world. I have such a wonderful future ahead of me. I’m in beauty school. I’m joining the military/police. I have my life ahead of me figured out. I may or may not have a husband. But it doesn’t matter. All I want in life is to be happy, and if my job is the only thing that makes me happy then so be it. I want a guy to chase after me! Love me! Always try to catch my attention when I least expect it because that way I know he really cares. I may not be okay sometimes but it’s perfectly normal. Last night was a really horrible night but I use that and try and make my life 1000x better. You live . You love, and you learn. Wouldn’t be so amazing if everybody spoke what was actually the truth? Last night I wanted to post a photo that would totally backlash what happened, I posted it, then 5 seconds later I regretted it and took it down. I’m so much bigger than that! I’m glad I made the right decision to take it down because it would have made matters even more worst. Right now I really need to focus on myself before I love someone else. And if you wanna chase me until then so be it 💕 I love myself! My life has not gone the way I really hoped it would turn out to be. Well here we go story time!
I was Born As Hannah. (No last names for identity purposes)
Female.
6 months later my mom had started to notice some different changes about myself, she took me to the pediatrician and they couldn’t tell what it was so they referred me to a Neurologist. Where then at 6 months old, helpless, unable to speak and feel emotions. Diagnosed with Neurofibromatosis type one. I currently have two tumors. One on my brain stem and one on my optic nerve. The one on my optic nerve is currently growing at a slow rate but I will lose vision in my left eye.
**Neurofibromatosis type 1 is a condition characterized by changes in skin coloring (pigmentation) and the growth of tumors along nerves in the skin, brain, and other parts of the body. The signs and symptoms of this condition vary widely among affected people.
Beginning in early childhood, almost all people with neurofibromatosis type 1 have multiple café-au-lait spots, which are flat patches on the skin that are darker than the surrounding area. These spots increase in size and number as the individual grows older. Freckles in the underarms and groin typically develop later in childhood.
Most adults with neurofibromatosis type 1 develop neurofibromas, which are noncancerous (benign) tumors that are usually located on or just under the skin. These tumors may also occur in nerves near the spinal cord or along nerves elsewhere in the body. Some people with neurofibromatosis type 1 develop cancerous tumors that grow along nerves. These tumors, which usually develop in adolescence or adulthood, are called malignant peripheral nerve sheath tumors. People with neurofibromatosis type 1 also have an increased risk of developing other cancers, including brain tumors and cancer of blood-forming tissue (leukemia).
During childhood, benign growths called Lisch nodules often appear in the colored part of the eye (the iris). Lisch nodules do not interfere with vision. Some affected individuals also develop tumors that grow along the nerve leading from the eye to the brain (the optic nerve). These tumors, which are called optic gliomas, may lead to reduced vision or total vision loss. In some cases, optic gliomas have no effect on vision.
Additional signs and symptoms of neurofibromatosis type 1 include high blood pressure (hypertension), short stature, an unusually large head (macrocephaly), and skeletal abnormalities such as an abnormal curvature of the spine (scoliosis). Although most people with neurofibromatosis type 1 have normal intelligence, learning disabilities and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) occur frequently in affected individuals.**
I never really paid attention to my child hood growing up because who does as a kid you don’t have a care in the world! But when I got to middle school things changed. Bad. The years when people start to become popular, go through puberty. Me on the other hand I started puberty early so I was already grown by the time I entered middle school. The depression started to hit. My parents were going through a divorce at the time. We moved to California for a year then came back. I had left friends at the time and hoping they would welcome me back. But no they changed. I was bullied. They teased and taunted me. I would cry in the bathroom. I didn’t think much of suicide and all that because I was just a little girl. After that my mom decided to move me to another school, where there it only got worst. I was bullied. Picked on. Suspended. Twice. I had to repeat the 7th grade. My life was going down hill. So I moved back to the other middle school for my 8th grade year. 8th grade, I don’t remember much of because I didn’t care much of it. I had the best English and science teachers I can tell you that. I went on an amazing trip to Catalina Island and learned a lot and had tons of fun! I had lots of friends and just tried to ignore negativity. Then comes high school. Brand new school. Afraid. Kids from all over. Older kids . Younger kids. It was a big school and I was afraid. I had a few people I knew on some classes but not a bunch. It felt good to have people I know with me. And well some things went down also. My biology teacher decided to say some perverted things on a exam. People felt uncomfortable. That was the year I started harming myself. It was the only way I could cry for help. People would point it out and I will never forget what a girl said to me. She knew they were self hard cuts, but she decided to ask me if it was my cat. I agreed. Then sophomore year comes along and my mom gets remarried and we move into an amazing house. Not much went on but I had one teacher really impact my life. My English teacher . I loved her so much she was so sweet and kind and understanding. She was there when we needed her. That year I lost a couple of my friends due to suicide. I had a couple of relapses. I actually cut myself so deep I had to get stitches. I had some people come and go in my life. Now comes to now my junior year. Just about a year ago pretty soon, was a horrific day for me. My dad physically assisted me. I was trembling. He climbed on me say on me and pinned me down where I was unable to escape or get him off me. He told me that this is how guys will treat you. So you better play along or you will get hurt blah blah blah told me this is how guys are. So now I’m afraid to date. I haven’t seen my dad ever since. Junior year now I decided to get a head start on my career. I keep juggling back and fourth it would be nice to specialize in all fields so that way I have a pick but I’m currently in beauty school getting my license. I’m wanting to join the police force and or the military but due to my medical condition I most like my cannot join the military. I’m unable to bear children. It’s a 20% chance it may work but who wants to even try with such a slim chance. ? I want to get married but I feel so fucked up and broken. Last night was not one of the best nights. I lost someone that I really appreciated and it all got fucked up in a matter of minutes. But they know who they are. I couldn’t sleep thinking about it. It went down rough. And it killed me. I have the kindest softest heart. I okay just about anything. Even if it really deeply hurt me. And that’s not ok of me to do. I need to speak up for myself, if I’m not happy then I need to say something, I’m going to be working on myself a lot. Well I’ve already started. I’m working out. Trying to drop off weight. I’m overweight. I’m not happy. I need to smile more. I need to have someone who will bring positivity in my life, who will keep promises they make. Well I mean who does anyway? But at least say “ I cannot promise you 100% but I will try okay? “My life is going to change from now on. And i did such s big girl thing not too long ago. The person I had an arguememt with last night. I sincerely apologized and said it got too out of hand and it was my fault and I forgave and I may or may not forget but I wanted things to end the right way. Well that’s the end of my story. Whoever took the time to read all of this thank you I’m in tears writing this it took an hour to think about and find the guts to tell you guys something hugely important about my life.